I need help and advice. BF and son may be aspies

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I need help and advice. BF and son may be aspies

Postby readysetgo » Sun Apr 17, 2016 12:08 pm


First thank you all for taking the time to read my post and offer help and advice. I have no where left to turn. Some of this may seem relationship related but please bear with me and realize its the actions taking place here that I am asking about. I have been with my boyfriend 3 years now. He has an 8 year old son. When we met his son was just turning 6. From the start his kid was off the charts. For me, a person who has raised four "normal" children his son was like a demon child. We would go to a store and he would ask for a toy and when told no he would have a complete breakdown. Now mind you I raised four kids. Yes I know they throw tantrums for not getting that toy they REALLY want (they always want them all) but this was different. I mean withing minutes he was full fledged screaming and throwing himself to the floor and asking him to stop or telling him we will leave if he didnt stop would only escalate the tantrum. It was so embarrassing. I chalked it off as a spoiled rotten brat. His mom has the tendency to give him whatever he wants all the time. My BF and the childs mom had a very chaotic marriage and I know this child has a lot of trauma from that alone. This is why I am trying to figure out is he just a problem kid, the result of his parents chaos or is he really an aspie? He was living with his mom when we met and shortly after, when my bf and I first moved in together he had to come live with us as the mother turned out to be an alcoholic. During that time we had him in kindergarten and he would constantly act out in class. The smallest things would set him off into full fledged rage. Kicking, screaming, throwing things in class,and breaking things.The school did their best to work with us. eventually he was assigned a counselor. who worked with him 15 minutes daily. He went to school one day and said he was drunk because he drank a beer that I left on the counter and he thought it was milk. He was always telling outrageous stories. And in such a way that they were true to him. If you questioned him about it he would change them a bit but he would stick to it and not admit he was making it all up. When he sits to eat or play he sits in a crouched position, fetal position? Not sure what its called but that alone from the start I knew something isnt right about him. He was highly antisocial in the beginning and parts of reasons for his outburst would be thinking other kids were staring at him or making fun of him or to that effect. He is off the chain smart. He loves legos and he can build anything with them. He has a fascination with trains and planes and anything mechanical. OVERLY fascinated. Like its all he talks about and in amazing detail. At 8 he talks about the true mechanics of this stuff and im like huh? He also does this with the minecraft game and some five nights at freddys game. All he wants to do is play video games and watch youtube videos about video games. I have a constant battle with his father who would in my opinion rather let the kid be and do that all day than engage him in better things. And as such when asked to pull away from a game or video for even the simplest thing like eating a meal he practically has a meltdown. So after kindergarten his mother had claimed she sobered up and so my bf let his son go back to live with her. I warned him not to but he did anyway. That was another hell. She is her own crazy and I'll leave that be but basically she wasn't sober and made things 10 times worse for the poor child and in the end he came back to live with us again at the end of 1st grade. So he was in 5 schools at this point. Yes 5 by first grade. I feel so bad for this child. It truly breaks my heart. In any case the problems got worse. He threw the same fits and tantrums and even ran off campus one day. He even started pooping his pants on a weekly basis. The school finally recommended him to another school with a special program. It isnt like special ed and in my opinion it doesnt really address any of his issues. It just teaches them basic anger management from what I gather. It helps them be able to focus on learning. And I guess it makes sense I mean the school cant be his therapist all they care about its he passes the grades so they continue getting paid. So hes been in that program 4 months and there has been noticeable improvement. but still the tantrums are there even though they arent as violent as before. Instead of grandiose stories he fills that time with the fascination of talking about those other topics. He also has little things like filing my nails makes him "crazy". He will not touch eggs with a 10 foot pole but he eats raw tomatoes, and other veggies. Stuff that my "normal" kids would think is gross. (sensory?) Its hard to get him to break away from anything he is doing to eat. pee or basically "have a life" its like world war 3 to ask him to stop and go to the store. The potty in the pants thing is better now but still happens often enough. He also never cleans up after himself. Food and wrappers constantly left behind. And when I ask him its like a deer in headlights. Like he has no idea at all that cleaning up is what a normal person does. Theres basically no concept of "normal" things that "normal" people do. It is making me literally insane. And I do mean that. Because the other half of this story is his father, my bf has a lot of aspie characteristics too. For starters he chews his fingers constantly. I tried in the beginning to help him but eventually gave up. He chews them until they are raw and they are all scratchy when they dry up. Its horrible. He HATES CHANGE he has a lot of things he does in a routine and if I trying to change or interrupt those things he gets pissed. Its the equivalent of how his son throws a tantrum. He DOES tell grandiose stories, exaggerates the hell out of things, and especially when we have disagreements. He always says I am "loosing it" and I need to control myself and he shows absolutely no empathy at all. He is the kind to say suck it up buttercup. Between them both I am headed to the nut house for sure. I am so frustrated and have tried everything to no avail but neither of them understand me AT ALL. And Oddly enough Im the outcast here. My BF has lots of tiny seemingly insignificant quirks, he folds his napkins into a square ALWAYS and never crumples them. He wipes his fingers flat across the napkin while its on the table, and for his mouth he will pick up the napkin and wipe it flat across his mouth. It never gets wrinkled or crumpled. He forgets practically everything I tell him but yet he is in construction and he can add up measurements in literal seconds of time. He functions at work, never late never calls in sick ect. His temper is a force to reconed with. Im afraid for his son that his future is what my BF is. We have broken up several times through this 3 years because I just dont know what to do anymore. I try to suggest things to help his son and he makes excuses. Doesnt want his kid to get "labeled" doesnt want to pay money for therapists, doesnt want to try sports or extracurricular stuff to help him cuz that means he has to drive him there or take time from his activities to do something good for his child, I mean I am baffled. He is selfish. One day his son was throwing a fit over homework (he hates doing it) and my bf answer? yell at his son, wrinkle the papers in a ball and throw is away. Yes he sent him to school the next day without his homework. I have struggled with how to be a part of this childs life and be a co-step-parent (since the mom now lives in another state and is almost non existent now) but I get resistance at every turn. I could try to just step back and let him parent how he wants because after all it isnt my kid. (and i have tried) But it just feels so wrong. I cant in good human conscience just "let it be" The other half of this man is so loving, so kind and passionate which is why im still around. Its literally jeckel and hyde. I could just leave him and be done with it and the hard part is daily im tempted to. But I also just want so badly to help both of them. But I know i cant alone. Thank you all again for reading. Any help is appreciated

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Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:33 am

Re: I need help and advice. BF and son may be aspies

Postby Santosg » Mon Apr 18, 2016 12:07 am

Gosh, I just had to skim this. Honestly, why you bother to be in a relationship with this guy is beyond me. You are not the parent and he does not want or listen to your input. I think you've probably got an unhealthy need to be in a relationship. This guy does not seem like a good partner. Move on and do it quickly. Otherwise, just resign yourself to this life.

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