New here- Looking for help

Discuss getting a diagnosis, educational help & electronic devices and apps for autism.

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New here- Looking for help

Postby HarleyQuinn » Thu Jun 02, 2016 3:09 am

Wanted to introduce myself. I'm Tonya.
I started dating a wonderful man a few months ago and he has a 12 yr old son who has been diagnosed with Aspergers. I want very much to understand his sons needs, and the best way to communicate with him. Working in healthcare I know he is considered "high functioning" but I he seems to have difficulty in social situations. I'm not sure if I am explaining myself right and I mean no offense.
His son shuts himself in his room and plays video games and seems to have difficulty interacting with people. I have only been able to meet him twice now. We have been slow introducing me and letting him get adjusted to the idea of dad having a girlfriend. Don't want to change up his schedule and too much. i know that will trigger him.
I'm here looking for advice on how to maybe speak to his son, maybe some ideas on how to begin to slowly enter his life.
I have no plans on going anywhere- I know that maybe a question some of you have. Don't come into his life if I don't plan on staying. My boyfriend has had him tested, but from what I can tell he is letting the school handle a lot of his care I guess you could say. i think he is unsure of what he needs to do as well. So i would like to see him become more active in his sons life too. I know he wants that too. I told him today that I want to get to know his son better and he responded, "well, when you get to know him let me in on it. I'd like to know him too."
So i think he wants to help his son he just has never been taught how to go about it.
I'm looking for some help on where to start

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Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:33 am

Re: New here- Looking for help

Postby Santosg » Fri Jun 03, 2016 4:56 pm


You obviously care a lot for the guy you are with. Hope everything works out wonderfully.

In terms of his son, its a difficult situation. I say this only because he has already fallen into some unhelpful patterns. 1) He has poor social skills 2) he maintains a rigid routine. In terms of the first, it is not the case that autistic or asbergers children are inherently antisocial, that they don't enjoy people or want to participate with others. It is simply that they lack the social skills to do so successfully. Everything in life is a self reinforcing mechanism. So, if you are not good at socializing with people, you avoid it...which only makes you worse at it, etc. To break this cycle takes a very powerful intervention by the individual and his support system, but most importantly, the individual has to be self motivated.

In terms of the rigid routine, again, people hear that autistic children have problems with change so they just stick them to the same schedule. That's the wrong approach because it just helps them get comfortable in their deficits. It is great for the caretaker who does not want to deal with tantrums but in the long run it hurts everyone.

Since you are not the mother, and the father has really taken a back seat to his own son's problems, I don't think there is a lot you can do. If his father were up to the task of actually trying to radically help his son, he's have done it already, he's have not introduced video games, and he would not allow his son to self isolate in his own room. As much as he says he wants to know his son, his actions don't really back that up.

If you come in and try to 'shake' thing up, I think you'll experience push back from the father as much as the son--as the plan will inevitably has a period of difficulty.

I do want you to help this child, but I don't think it will be particularly easy given the circumstances you've described.

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