Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

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oggersonsen
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:02 am

Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

Postby oggersonsen » Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:15 am

We are getting a divorce or maybe just a temp separation until she sits down for a postnub and agrees to therapy. Wife has borderline personality disorder. She agrees with grinding teeth to 50-50. I am the one who works from home and does most of caring for 4yr old and 8yr old, who is autistic with ADHD. What 50-50 schedule is good? Wife and I can talk, as long I can manage the sometimes irrational behavior of her. She moves out to a place in walking distance. Is a 2 day on and off schedule better than a 3-4-4-3? I think former is better since separation anxiety might be less and household division will appear more blurry. Will he struggle due to moving faster from bed to bed? Maybe. I think mum will struggle more as she would need more time to transit from having the kids to not having them. The kids will surely also struggle during transition, but usually for the autistic kid the tantrums for a transition do not take more than a few minutes. I am sure once the routine of moving from one place to the other can be established quick. Overall the structure is not given by in which bed they sleep, but by the overall environment.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Santosg
Posts: 196
Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:33 am

Re: Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

Postby Santosg » Fri Aug 26, 2016 2:21 am

I can't relate directly to your situation, as my ex-wife does not have any mental health issues. We divorced and it was highly contentious for a time. Having said that, we did make sure the interest of the kids were the first and only priority. We've rallied around helping our son and get alone. We make his therapies and socialization priority number 1. We are a team. Our kids are our world. So there is common ground.

I have known a girl with BPD. She was the most physically attractive woman I've ever known. Seriously. Like something out of a dream. But beneath that beauty was nothing but darkness. Emotional black holes. I am fortunate to have avoided any kind of a relationship with her. The only way a man commits to a woman with BPD is bad self esteem or a sense of 'responsibility' to 'save' someone from their own destructive mania.

I don't think that you really have your priorities straight. If your wife truly has a borderline personality disorder there is absolutely no way you should even consider giving her 50/50 custody. It is dangerous for your children and counter productive. She's mentally unstable. You said that you are already doing most of the child rearing. Okay, well then I strongly recommend that you try to get full legal custody of your children. You need to negotiate with her from a position of strength. Get a lawyer. A very good lawyer. Document her dangerous behavior. Have people that can attest to her behavior. Why? Because someone with BDP is capable of truly irrational and dangerous behavior: she is capable of lying about the kind of spouse you've been, the kind of father you've been. Are you scared of what she might do and that's why you're being so 'noble' in splitting custody? Or are you just being a sucker, like you had to be to marry her in the first place? I'm telling you this because its what you need to hear.

The moment she's out the door, she's highly likely to start dating again as soon as you separate--if she has not already cheated on you--and introduce a lot of questionable men into your children's lives, making them live through her rages or odd behavior. She'll have a lot of those fun dates on the funds you pay her in child support and alimony.

Honestly, you seem to be way to invested in the relationship--maybe we can 'save this'. People with borderline personality disorder don't respond to therapy, they just act their way through it. You've probably done this dance a thousand times and you always come back to it. 'Get therapy or we're going to divorce.' Stop bluffing, stop talking big and doing little, and cut the cord. You can't save that type of marriage. Have the courage to move past it. Now.

She might threaten suicide, she might do lots of wild and crazy things. Her behavior is not your responsibility. You have a duty to yourself and to your children. It is time you started putting them and yourself first. If she's proven she can't do it,Life is short man, you deserve better and so do your kids.

Does this mean you cut her out of their lives? No, you can have her be a part of their lives, but you do it on your terms. She's already moved out of the house and you already have most of the responsibilities.

You should be less worried about the direct impact of a divorce and more on what therapies, interventions, and programs can best help your child. Children with autism can learn to transition, provided that you don't always put them into a routine. A lot of these 'autism' experts actually council families to put autistic kids are rigged routines and eventually that's the only way the child feels comfortable. You would try to regularly break routines in large and small ways, etc.

Anyway, I hope you take this to heart. It is written in the hopes that you'll benefit from it and use it to make positive changes.

oggersonsen
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:02 am

Re: Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

Postby oggersonsen » Fri Aug 26, 2016 9:01 am

thanks for this. yes, i do need to hear this. thanks again. i do read, that BPD is highly treatable if the patient seeks/does therapy on their own, but since many of them are in denial i should cut my losses. i am tricking her to see a psychiatrist with me, let's see how that will go. that would be the first time she would hear it. in the meantime i do file for a divorce as we speak, due to the fact she took all the money out from our accounts.

yes, i guess i should take more control of the kids in my settlement proposal on which I am working on. most of her behavior however is against me or other family/adults. though when i think about it there are oddities:
- it took 4 years before we started ABA since she thinks he doesn't have autism.
- she says odd things like "don't eat all the cheese because mama would need to go to store too often",
- or she just gets mad and then apologizes to them.
but is that enough yet to propose 100% custody or a 60/40, 70/30 etc.? it took me many years before I understood she is verbally abusing me, so i need to up my "detecting and perception" game and analyze her behavior.

back to parenting schedule: what I hear you saying is that it doesn't matter so much if 2 day on/off or 3-4-4-3 schedule for 50/50 custody, or let's say in a 70/30 custody between a 5-2 schedule or every 3rd week schedule. Actually I was wondering if you can expand a little more about your thoughts about routines, breaking routines and making our son more adept to different situations in life?

Santosg
Posts: 196
Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:33 am

Re: Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

Postby Santosg » Fri Aug 26, 2016 1:04 pm

You are in denial. You say that BPD is treatable, but only if the individual seeks treatment. She's not seeking treatment and you're going to trick her into seeing a psychiatrist? Accept that she does not want help. She's not your problem anymore and truth be told she never was. She is a reflection of a problem that you have with yourself.

You are the one in need of psychological counseling. You admit that she's verbally abusive and has been so for years. The reason that you allowed yourself to be in such a situation is because of self esteem and personal history issues. More than likely your mother was a psychologically frigid and abusive individual and you've internalized it. Worst, you seek to get love and recognition from such women.

Get a divorce lawyer and get a psychologist to help you through the process. Accept her for who she is and abandon all hope for the woman you wish she were. I mean, she literally empties the bank accounts of money and you're still talking nice. She does not appreciate your kindness, she sees it as weakness. And in this case, that's exactly what it is: weakness in the face of very manipulative and uncaring person who's abused you for years. Honestly, the only way you'd ever win her respect is to stand up to her and not take any of her crap. Then she's start to think of you as a real man. If you did that, though, you'd also realize there is nothing much you'd ever want from her you could not get from a woman 100 times kinder, better, saner.

You minimize her behavior because its directed at you and other adults. The only thing you're doing is teaching your children to become victims of the same kind of destructive relationships. Witnessing their father be verbally and psychologically abused and no nothing about it is as damaging--in fact, more--then if the abuse were simply directed at them and their father stood up for them. You're teaching them to basically have no self respect and to not stand up for themselves.

She's delayed ABA and other issues. Get rid of her. Fight for full custody and make her pay you child support. With the right lawyer, given her behavior, you'll have everything you need to do to win in court. With that, you'll have extra money to pay for therapies and other interventions for your son. Losing this battle is a lose for your children and their future, not just you. Don't be the nice guy in this: where the hell has that ever gotten you? In the situation you're in now.

In terms of routines, just mix up activities for the kids. Teach your son flexibility, alter his schedule little by little. Don't conform to the same set of behaviors or activities over and over again. He'll adapt to you, and with it, to the world. A parent might adapt to the child, but guess what, the world will not. That's what its critical to have the child learn to be responsive and flexible.

oggersonsen
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:02 am

Re: Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

Postby oggersonsen » Fri Aug 26, 2016 3:59 pm

not sure how nice i am. i try to remain calm and quiet. standing up to her is important sometimes, but a lot of times one just need to let her go, validate her feelings and understand it is not personal. understand that later that day she will say will backpedal anyway, or might essentially just say the opposite. The psychiatrist says i have an adjustment disorder, and i keep seeing the marriage counselor without her. Marriage counselor understands he is my therapist now, and not a couple's therapist. She never got confronted with somebody saying she might be BPD, so I just want to see what happens. I understand that chances of improvement are slim if she doesn't seek improvement. I just hope for the best for the kids sake. I will hold her at arm length as much as i can. If I need to say no to any ridiculous demands, I will.

Coming back to autism: so teaching flexibility is important, while keeping tantrums to a minimum through providing a very structured environment. I guess this is the real trick. I will for sure think about seeking full custody, but I guess we would need to have a full diagnosis of her BPD or find some other leverage/argument with evidence. I am working on this now. Thanks for opening this venue.

monkeyman
Posts: 95
Joined: Wed Jan 28, 2015 1:48 pm

Re: Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

Postby monkeyman » Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:13 pm

Hi

I agree with a lot of what Santos said.

Be careful that your child does not become a tool for your wife to exert pressure on you. It's possible you may be threatened with things you don't want (vaccines, food infractions, etc.) or not following through on biomedical or behavioral interventions, just to spite you, or make you "trade" something else to do right as a dad.

Raising an ASD child is hard with two parents, really hard with one, but may be unbearable with two parents at "war" with the kid in the middle.

Good luck! Remember to put your child first.

MM

oggersonsen
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2016 7:02 am

Re: Divorce - what 50/50 parenting schedule

Postby oggersonsen » Tue Sep 06, 2016 7:37 am

thks for this. Even after two full evaluations in the last 5 years, she still rejects the autism diagnosis. I guess she, the narcissist, doesn't like the perceived stigma. just recently she allowed for ABA.I need a good lawyer. I need to be allowed to make the major medical decisions.

i understand there are not too many studies out yet on the effect of parent's personality disorder on children. so it will not be easy for me to gain that control. i need to keep journal of the extreme behaviours that the outside world is not readily seeing.


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