Dating a lady with an autistic son

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Spencg07
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Sep 02, 2017 9:14 am

Dating a lady with an autistic son

Postby Spencg07 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 9:32 am

Please accept my apologies if something like this has been raised before.

I met a lady and think the world of her. She is everything i want and we have been dating for a little while.

She does however have an 8 year old (9 in a month), son who has severe autism and ADHD. She receives little support from other people including the ex husband (father of her son). She was upfront at the start of our relationship and explained about her son and his needs. She has been honest and shown me pictures of how her son can have meltdowns and become aggressive towards her and bites her.

She loves her son to bits and does everything for him. He has a sensory room, goes to a school which is specialised to support him and she is an amazing mum. She is battling the ex husband to try and give herself a break at times as obviously it can be a stressful job for her with the support of no one else.

I offer to help all the time and provide support but she is fiercely independent.

I have met her son once which went fine. He came out in my car and i took him to get something to eat. It all went fine and she said from his behaviour it appeared he was fine with me and happy.

I have tried to educate myself further on autism and children with sensory issues. I have asked her questions about him and what he likes and dislikes.

A few weeks ago she said something beautiful and said that she wished i was her sons father. This really made me smile and feel accepted. But since then she has pushed away. I haven't seen her son again. I have asked about taking him to the park or out to a place like Diggerland which states on the website that they support autism. It is like she is frightened of having someone care for her and her son. She has stated that she can't expect anyone to take on her son but i have said that i want to help. It confuses me as she sort of pushes me away but then she tells me she loves me every day.

I am keen to support wherever i can and learn more about autism.

Has anyone had any experience with this? And is there anything i could be doing to learn more and show her further support? I know she hasn't had any decent men in her life previously and i would like to do all i can for her and her son.

Thank you.

Santosg
Posts: 196
Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:33 am

Re: Dating a lady with an autistic son

Postby Santosg » Sun Sep 03, 2017 1:39 am

Before getting involved in the question of autism, let me address this as one man to another. At some level, she is making you jump through hoops to 'prove yourself' to her. Before she invests in you emotionally, she's going to see if you're willing to go the extra mile and try and please her. This is typical of women, even ones that don't have autistic children. HOWEVER, it is a terrible terrible thing for a man to actually play this game with a woman. If you submit to this kind of game, you actually become something like a highly trainable dog. She gets to bring you close, then push you away, and do it over and over again. Let me ask you, would you play this kind of emotional game with a woman? Probably not, because this is the definition of emotional abuse. Its often overlooked or dismissed but it causes a steady state of insecurity and emotional roller coaster for the person on the receiving end of such treatment.

Psychologically, women seek a protector and someone that is strong and capable of acting independently. If you want a relationship with this woman, you're going to have to build your own rules and boundaries. That means calling her on her own (expletive removed), on her own games, and also being willing to walk away if she keeps this crap up.

You say: we have two choices, either try to establish a relationship or just walk away. I'm honest and really want to pursue a serious relationship with you, but that also requires that you open up your heart, take a risk, and invite me into your life in a real way. If you can't do this, that's fine, but it means that we can't have a real relationship.

If she does want a relationship with you, she'll put these games aside. If not, walk away and don't look back.

Honestly, you seem like a nice guy, and that's probably NOT a good thing in this kind of situation. Why they hell are you the one working so hard? She should be the one making the extra effort. If you really valued or wanted you, I think she'd be doing that. You need to value yourself more. Frankly, I'd never pursue a relationship with a woman who make me grovel or beg to spend time with her. Ya, she might 'wish' you were the father of her children, but chances are that she never treated the man who basically abandoned their child the way she's treating you--even after witnessing the kindness of your heart and your willingness to accept her son. This should disgust you and not make you 'puzzled' or 'confused' or 'frustrated.'

So, I'd reassess the entire approach you have to this relationship and your relationship with women. If you pursue this relationship, do so on your own terms. Make sure you are getting what you want out of it. If she is not fulfilling you emotionally, psychologically, or sexually--move on. You owe her your honestly and your commitment, but only to the degree that your efforts are equal to hers. If you have to invest 10 and only get 1 from her, she does not value you and the relationship is not one worth having.

I'll say one last thing, which is that a woman who would not grow even more attracted and committed to you by the kindness you pay her child is not one that's worth much. If you are a good guy, not a sketchy weirdo---these acts of kindness and carrying for her own child should really have been the mechanism by which you found a place in her heart.

So, reconsider everything.


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